Nightlife at Woodlands

Well I can’t say that last night wasn’t entertaining. I mean yes, I may have slightly overdone it on the whole YOLO thing (apparently an acronym for You Only Live Once, yet I feel it’s just another attempt by todays urban youth to drag us adults back into the clutches of rap music and dirty dancing. I feel some shame in admitting that they have succeeded in me). I understand now that it probably wasn’t the smartest thing to start taking my clothes off on the middle of a crowded dancefloor – hey I was just doing what the song said, apparently it was “getting hot in here” so we needed to start stripping or something like that. The audience thought it was brilliant. The bouncers less so. Long story short, I was handed my pants and asked (rather politely, given that I’m pretty sure what would’ve been seen in most cases as a violation of state law) to leave…I’m a bit scared to look at the videos no doubt stored on my phone. More so to check YouTube, the wonders of the web these days meaning that I was probably uploaded as soon as I left the club. And with the proximity to properties in Woodlands the way it is, I wouldn’t be too surprised to find out word had spread to the friends I have who live within its walls.

Which club you ask? This was TY’s nightclub – and yes, if you ask about me, they’ll know exactly who you’re talking about – I still haven’t decided whether this is a good thing or not. I mean fame, yes, but at what price sir, at what price??!

But back to the scene of the oh-so-crazy crime, TY’s night club is one of Pretoria premium hangouts for anybody who is anybody (or is it “anybody who is somebody”..? ah you know what I’m trying to say, a lot of awesome people frequent the place), and it’s not hard to understand why. The gorgeous décor of the interior already speaks volumes in its ode to modernity when it comes to having the mother of all nights, and good lord the despite her age, that mother definitely knows how to get down. The music – all compliments of the clubs resident DJ’s, and supplemented by international acts, names such as Crazy White Boy in the mix – keep the music at an all-time adrenaline rushing fist-pumping heart-racing high while strobes ignite the air, as though white flames were dancing upon the floor, the ceiling, your skin. Bottle upon bottle of Champagne is given to members in the crowd in an all-out attempt to keep the clientele as happy as could possibly be – my heavens do they succeed – and a newly built outside patio allows patrons to rest their weary legs for a few moments before returning to the madness that our parents warned us against, although for what reason I cannot fathom – they also told me to keep my pants on in public and look how that turned out. 

One would think that I’d be absolutely heartbroken about being asked to leave this Eden of the night, what with its fancy music, fancy clientele, their fancy patter while doing fancy things to the dancefloor (apparently I’ve run out of adjectives, give me a moment). I wasn’t. The gorgeous thing, the absolutely magnificent solution to the untimely exit (ah okay I’ve managed to re-open my vault of words once more) is that right next door to the paradise of TY’s lay the Utopia of Cubana. Literally right. Next Door – funny, I used that same phrase to describe the amenities of Woodlands when pushing their repertoire in a previous article. Before they found out that I had a knack for losing my head and my shirt, I made sure I was within those walls and on that floor, enjoying the Caribbean flavour that seemed to spill from every light and every flaming lamp, every colourful drink and every fire breathers mouth – although in their case, it wasn’t so much “spilled” as it was setting the air alight in a glorious display of flame handling virtuosity – one could almost compare their control to that of Beethoven’s fingers on a keyboard…okay no you couldn’t, the keyboard wasn’t on fire. My point is, that should you ever find yourself needing a change of scenery, Menlyn Square provides just that in the multitude of options at your disposal.

Oh, I’m sorry, were you under the impression that there were only two of the very best in eastern suburbs entertainment to choose from? No, no, no, my dear, dear friend, News Café is but favourite place to sit down, kick back and enjoy the Springboks dismal performances of late - okay maybe “enjoy” may be too strong a word. With an ambience to soothe the soul and an atmosphere to invigorate the mind and body, News Café does, as all News Café’s do, cater to your every wand and need.

Actually, that’s most of Pretoria’s eastern suburbs if you think about it – and whether its amenities, nightlife or security at Woodlands, you can be sure that we’ve got you covered (I totally didn’t steal that ending from the Santam ad)

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